accepting gerty

my counselor asked… Whats the worst that could happen by accepting gertrude? (gertrude/gerty is what I have named my chronic pain resulting from RA and other health issues, more on that here).  by accepting gerry i fear I won’t keep fighting for a better, healthier version of myself. acceptance & giving up seem to go hand-and-hand. I still believe on some level that I can be strong enough to over come the pain. for so long I was lead to believe it was something i could control & it wasn’t real. and even though we have plenty of ‘proof’ of these diseases, I think on some level I still question what if? but I think I’ve tried that… I’ve tried to be stronger than the disease, i’ve tried to ignore it, i’ve tried to power through and it hasn’t worked out, so i suppose i can’t say i didn’t try that route.

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darkness

a few weeks back i had been in a place of both physical & emotional despair for a while and broke. a dear friend offered up her quite home in the mountains where i could get away to rest my body and connect my soul to the master healer. i called my mom and asked if she would come hold the fort down and which she responded, absolutely. <this is growth, reaching out asking/taking help… note to self do it sooner. Continue reading

name the pain… meet gertrude.

gertude seems to be ever evolving. if i’m being perfectly honest this is a stretch for me. but it has helped me probably more than anything thus far, on this journey of sorting through my health. so essentially i was not (and still do not at times) separate my disease and from who I am as a person. let me give a daily example, 4 pm rolls around my body starts shutting down, i feel ache, without energy, my patients are toasts, I can’t make my family dinner or spend the evening with them, I am in bed as soon as my hubby walks through the door… therefore, I am inadequate as a mom & wife. this directly equates to who JENA is… Continue reading

it’s back…

that’s right my P.E.R.I.O.D.

pbeckham was 6 months old (just fyi, that little incentive they say about nursing mom’s not getting their period, not true. mine came back with both of my kids 6 months postpartum). the difference between rylan to beckham is i eased into my cycles, with rylan it took almost 6 months before i started having debilitating periods again. having a baby cleans out the uterus, much like a laporoscopy (which i talk more about in my endometriosis post). with beckham my very first cycle wrecked me, and each cycle worst than the last. Continue reading

the team. the plan.

bc66843f88de7e921d7b2e1748aa716ba23205bcwith beckham’s first birthday in sight, i needed to create a plan for ‘after nursing‘. if it were up to my doctors, they would have preferred i quit nursing & start on my meds at 3 months (if not before). however they do support & respect my decision. a couple times this year i reached my max, the pain was more than i could bare. i threw up my hands and said i’m done. but both times God was so faithful, the next day He filled me with just enough strength & perseverance to do one more day. and here we are a week from beckham’s first birthday Continue reading

self-preservation.

do you know that feeling of completely running your tank dry? you have dealt with so much physical pain, you have nothing more to give, no more that you can do… but then, you have a time when it’s not quite as bad, maybe even good (i use the term ‘good’ loosely, for people with chronic pain and inflammatory diseases good is relative).  personally i find myself in a state of self-preservation.

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full definition of self-preservation::: 1. preservation of ones self from destruction or harm 2. a natural or instinctive to act as to preserve one’s own existence. Continue reading