accepting gerty

my counselor asked… Whats the worst that could happen by accepting gertrude? (gertrude/gerty is what I have named my chronic pain resulting from RA and other health issues, more on that here).  by accepting gerry i fear I won’t keep fighting for a better, healthier version of myself. acceptance & giving up seem to go hand-and-hand. I still believe on some level that I can be strong enough to over come the pain. for so long I was lead to believe it was something i could control & it wasn’t real. and even though we have plenty of ‘proof’ of these diseases, I think on some level I still question what if? but I think I’ve tried that… I’ve tried to be stronger than the disease, i’ve tried to ignore it, i’ve tried to power through and it hasn’t worked out, so i suppose i can’t say i didn’t try that route.

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the team. the plan.

bc66843f88de7e921d7b2e1748aa716ba23205bcwith beckham’s first birthday in sight, i needed to create a plan for ‘after nursing‘. if it were up to my doctors, they would have preferred i quit nursing & start on my meds at 3 months (if not before). however they do support & respect my decision. a couple times this year i reached my max, the pain was more than i could bare. i threw up my hands and said i’m done. but both times God was so faithful, the next day He filled me with just enough strength & perseverance to do one more day. and here we are a week from beckham’s first birthday Continue reading


do you know that feeling of completely running your tank dry? you have dealt with so much physical pain, you have nothing more to give, no more that you can do… but then, you have a time when it’s not quite as bad, maybe even good (i use the term ‘good’ loosely, for people with chronic pain and inflammatory diseases good is relative).  personally i find myself in a state of self-preservation.


full definition of self-preservation::: 1. preservation of ones self from destruction or harm 2. a natural or instinctive to act as to preserve one’s own existence. Continue reading