impossible decision

IMG_5331are you done? having kids that is. i get this question all of the time. so i will try to unpack this a bit, as it doesn’t feel like a short answer… personally would i like more children? absolutely. probably 1 or 2 more, given the choice.

however, 3 of my doctors have advised us against more children. for a number of reasons,  i would need to go off my RA meds for an extended amount of time, which would not only be debilitating but also damaging to my joints. between trying to conceive (with fertility treatments again), the pregnancy & nursing, it would easily be 3 years. not to mention my RA is more severe than ever & i am older than i was during my first 2 pregnancies.

the doctors say, “i am sure we could get you through another pregnancy but at what cost we are unsure, probably wouldn’t be good”. not only during those three years would i essentially be unavailable to my two kiddos, at the end of those three years i could be much worse off than I am now in terms of my RA, with an additional baby to care for. and honestly i already feel like i can’t engage the way i want to. so to be even more limited just doesn’t seem wise. i have two healthy babies that were nothing short of miracles (#1 & #2). to just focus on wanting more versus focusing on my blessings feels selfish and ungrateful.

so yes, in answer to your question, we are done having children. now even though i know without a doubt this is the right choice, it doesn’t make it an easy one. it has taken me almost 2 years to be able to respond to that question out loud because it hurt so bad to hear.

IMG_2587a few months ago, we actually sold all our baby stuff. it felt like a stake in the ground. i hang dry almost all of our clothes, so every piece of rylan’s was perfectly cared for, sorted and stored for our ‘next’ baby girl (we even had a name, i am secretly hoping my brother will use it one day). so you can imagine pulling out every last baby item was heart wrenching. my dear mother in-law came to help with the sale, i couldn’t have done it without her. and not just because she basically priced every item but because she let me collapse in her lap the night before and cry my tears of grief. oh did my heart ever ache.

the majority of the time these days i can honestly say I keep my focus on our two blessings and being grateful for the little wonderful humans God has given us. however, i feel it’s necessary to note it hasn’t come without a significant amount of grieving. and there were days my tears & anger outweighed my gratitude. even now, i have my days. but little by little, a day at a time, i get to see this beautiful picture of the family of four God has so generously given me, and even begin to see that this is how it is suppose to be.

so yes, it is an impossible question, with an impossible answer. that ultimately i wish was mine decision to make. but the reality is, it’s not. my body is dictating the answer. so i believe the choice i have now is the choice to resent that or be grateful for what i have been given, and i have been given so very much. God has great plans for our family of four, that i know. so i am choosing gratitude.

the answer to your question… yes my family is complete.

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