tolerance

lately i have been feeling discouraged. i was just starting to get back on a roll with my workouts & taking better overall care of myself. then i got pleurisy… again.tug-o-war-rope
IMG_7092Pleurisy
 is an inflammation of the pleura, the lining surrounding the lungs. There are many possible causes of pleurisy but viral infections spreading from the lungs to pleural cavity are the most common. The inflamed pleural layers rub against each other every time the lungs expand to breathe in air. This can cause sharp pain when breathing.

Pleurisy_and_pneumothorax

Symptom of pleurisy is a sudden sharp, stabbing, burning or dull pain in the right or left side of the chest during breathing. It feels worse with deep breathing, coughing, sneezing, or laughing. The pain may stay in one place, or it may spread to the shoulder or back. Sometimes, it becomes a fairly constant dull ache.

now it wasn’t like last time (more on that here). i was sick, like in bed normal bad virus sick. but it was the week of my 30th birthday, I had a surprise party with my girlfriends, a field trip with my daughters class, trick-or-treating, another family birthday party and i pushed through but i was in very rough shape. even talking caused a significant amount of pain. 2-weeks after this all started monday morning rolled around, i had spent most of sunday resting and was feeling a bit human, and not ‘sick’. so i loaded little man up and we headed to the mall. i am feeling pretty determined to make some progress & by the second store i can no longer catch my breath, i started into a dripping sweat. i may not feel ‘sick’, but i am sure the heck was not well. the next 5 days i miss all my commitments, and barely get off my back… this thing is a bugger.

IMG_0462 IMG_6318so this is where discouragement sets in… i can barely make a lap to my kitchen, getting back at the gym seems so far off. and yes i need & want to take more consistent care of my body. but truth be told the latest drug has helped me gain even more weight. i was just ready to get to work. it just feels like it is always one step forward, two steps back.

so i tell this to my counselor L, and she suggests i need to be more realistic with my line. oh here she goes again… trying to explain to me that it doesn’t have to be all or nothing, there is a ‘balance’, a happy medium. she says i do a pretty good job tolerating the disease, tolerating ‘gerty’ but i have yet to truly ‘accept’ it.

but isn’t accepting, admitting defeat? i refuse to be one of those people who just let the disease happen to me. i want to take responsibility & ownership & do my part. and i know i can’t control the disease but i know not only through research but personal experience exercise & nutrition make a huge impact in the overall management of my pain.

i find it both maddening and confusing that the lord wired me with my particular personality and then would ask me to accept it. to wire me to make a plan of action and push forward just to have my momentum physically stopped time after time.

so L gently suggests isn’t this a true test of faith? that He has you on this path for a reason? has you in this exact place & timing for His purpose? …. well crap, ya, that’s03e70d59308eb5a9a8ea29b2574da063 exactly it. alright i get it. i don’t necessarily like it, but i believe in Him and have faith in Him.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ~Jeremiah 29:11

so this is me on my path of acceptance by way of faith

 

 

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