darkness

a few weeks back i had been in a place of both physical & emotional despair for a while and broke. a dear friend offered up her quite home in the mountains where i could get away to rest my body and connect my soul to the master healer. i called my mom and asked if she would come hold the fort down and which she responded, absolutely. <this is growth, reaching out asking/taking help… note to self do it sooner.

a close friend of ours, Chris Townley preached a killer sermon, as he often does, he is crazy gifted. and it happened to be quite timely for me… he was talking about after Jesus was crucified and his disciples are on their way to Emmaus, grief stricken, away from the place of hope, desired out come, and expectations, feeling defeated, frustrated, and confused. “You are on the road back to Jerusalem from Emmaus. On the road from Jerusalem to the ends of the earth. You are on the road to resurrected faith, where being faithful means trusting and obeying without being told things. And being road ready means, even if you are living in transition, moving in the shadows of understanding, and walking in the dark valleys of despair and understanding, Jesus is with you. it means, time spent on the road with Jesus, is not actualizing yourself, but releasing and unleashing his resurrection energies”. that’s what this couple days was for me, it was me putting a stake in the ground, as weary as i was crawling towards ‘jersulum’ in my case literally speaking ennis, MT and find out what He had for me, to recognize Him. not only was i battling gertrude’s (name, for all my health issues, more here) constant flares, but i was also trying to move from tolerance to true acceptance. as well as stumbling through challenges in our church that we have poured ourselves into for the last decade, in addition to the everyday pressures of life as a young wife and mom and i just broke. so on my drive my water gates open, and as my tears poured i sang Kari Jobe’s, Find me on my knee’s, over and over…

IMG_7699_2 Weary just won’t let me rest
And fear is filling up my head.
I’m longing, God I’m longing for you
But I will find you in the place I’m in,
Find you when I’m at my end,
Find you when there’s nothing left of me to offer you except for brokenness.
You lift me up, you’ll never leave me thirsty,
When I am weak, when I am lost and searching
I’ll find you on my knees.

He met me that wednesday on top of the hill in the silence and began to clear the clutter, and get at my soul. i’d love to say that everything was better as i returned, actually my circumstances worsened, like a lot. but God was soooo faithful in reminding me He was the only one that mattered and he would honor my obedience.IMG_7715

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